Day 3154 – What Would I Change Or How I Would Do Things Differently If I Could Go Back In Time

I’ve read a few books recently about time travel and the ramifications of changing the past. During our coffee date this morning Bret and I talked about some of the ramifications of the characters and what they changed or didn’t change. It got me thinking about my past and what I would change.

There are lots of things I think about and how my life would be different if I said yes instead of no or vice versa.

What if I got a ride home the night I was arrested?

What if I didn’t date multiple guys that were way wrong for me?

What if I said no to meeting some guy who lived in California and was getting deployed to Iraq?

What if I knew and accepted that I had a drinking problem sooner?

What if I had actually charged what I was worth as a wedding photographer and raised my rates accordingly slowly over time?

What if I had never started this blog?

But all of those thoughts and conversations lead to the same place and thought – I would not change a thing about my past. Every decision lead to me being who I am today. Every mistake lead to the person I am now. While it can sometimes be hard to live with the consequences of my actions and decisions, I can look back and see how everything fits leading up to this point and I would not be the same without it. I would not value the things that I value if it were not for what I’ve walked through.

What about you? Would you change anything if you could go back in time?

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Day 2789 – Lost Moments Because Of Drinking

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my previous drinking problem, my sobriety, and my lost moments over the years. It has been almost 2 and a half years since alcohol last touched my lips. It has been nearly 10 and a half years since my hands were cuffed for drinking while intoxicated. I’m also approaching my 35th birthday. Lots of reason for some introspection. One aspect I haven’t touched on as much is the lost moments because of drinking.

When we stopped in San Antonio, I definitely got drunk. I don’t remember much from the last few hours at the bar, and driving to the next stop. I remember asking Bret for nachos, and he got them. At the time, I had a broken tooth and used wax as a temporary “cap.” I was so far gone, I don’t remember swallowing the wax. I don’t remember the sunset from the rooftop bar. I don’t remember the whole game when we played giant Jenga.

When we visited a friend in California, I don’t remember half of the evening because I had TWO glasses of beer as big as my head.

When attending a party with some of my cousins and long time friends, I don’t remember all of the hanging out, or leaving my purse in my own car, thus prompting a freak out the next day.

On many of our getaways, I don’t remember all of the time in the hotel because of the amount I drank.

I don’t remember portions of my best friend’s rehearsal dinner because I had SO much wine. There’s even a picture of me getting a glass of wine from the server with the “are you sure about this” face. (See below)

I don’t remember full trips to the state fair because of how much I drank beforehand and during.

I don’t remember full conversations where I’m actually trying to share the gospel with someone else….again, because I was drunk. These are the moments I’m most embarrassed of.

There are family events I don’t remember because I was drunk.

There are two family vacations I have very little memory of because I drank the entire time.

I think back to these things and while embarrassment is a big thing I feel, I also feel untold gratitude that God would protect me through it all. That He still loved me, despite my screw ups. I also feel untold thankfulness that He gave me the strength to finally quit drinking for good. It has taught me, over and over, that no one is too far from God’s help. He is able to change anyone.

I don’t know your struggle. I don’t know what you have failed at over and over again. But I can say that God can work in you and He can change you.

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