past mistakes | 365daysofmarriage

This morning, I overslept about three hours. It brought back memories of when I would sleep in because I was sleeping off a hangover. I would emerge into my day feeling SO far behind, and I really was. Sometimes I think what my life would be like if I never struggled with alcoholism. Would I have been more successful in photography? Would I have written more books? Would I have gotten out of debt faster? Would I have been in debt at all?

I was thinking about this as I had my first cup of coffee, I thought about how this morning I wasn’t sleeping off a hangover. I didn’t “oversleep” normal people wake up times. To me, sleeping until 8 a.m. is WAY oversleeping. (I seriously love getting up at five) But I am so thankful that the reason for my sleeping in was not alcohol, but a movie.

Yesterday, I realized I HAD to see Avengers Infinity War that day. I watch a ton of theory videos on YouTube, so my feed is full of channels that could potentially spoil the movie for me. That and I read some tweets after the press screening and one in particular was along the lines of “go in as spoiler free as you can.” Having seen it, I definitely agree. It is quite an experience and you want to have that as fresh of a slate as you can get. It was epic in its scope and very gratifying. My review? Go see it. 🙂

Typically with a movie like this (Marvel or Star Wars, etc), I like to see it the first time in 2D to really process what I’m seeing. Then I’ll watch theory videos, maybe read some books, and go back to experience it in 3D. Unfortunately for my brain, the only tickets I could find…and I searched every showtime at seven theaters until I finally found good seats….were in 3D. While if I had fully thought things through, I would have expected this, but I walked out of the theater with a migraine. So. Much. Data. Brain. Full.

So, I let myself sleep in this morning.

I am still processing the movie and surely will for a while.

So what was the past mistake? It was seeing a big movie without Bret the first time. In mid December, I saw The Last Jedi by myself and Bret waited until after Christmas to watch it in California. What followed was me watching videos with headphones in and making comments like “I cannot wait to talk to you about this!!!” That was a tortuous few weeks.

I mentioned to Bret yesterday that I really wanted to go. We talked about just me going or Bret coming along if I found good tickets. When I finally found some, he agreed to go. Later, he told me the main reason was so that we could talk about it. Even if we waited to watch it together today or tomorrow, I would still be in that position of knowing what he did not. I have to say, I really enjoyed experiencing it with Bret.

So go see it, learn from your past mistakes, and please, please, please, don’t spoil it for anyone! 😀

(note, this is from Black Panther, lol, I was too excited to take pictures last night).

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As I’m making my way through my alcoholism memoir, I’m remembering some of the experiences where I got drunk and ruined the experience. There are so many experiences I wish weren’t marred by my drinking problem. So many times when I was hungover and not able to enjoy the day. So many embarrassing experiences.

One of them popped up in my On This Day today. We went to Gettysburg three years ago on a pretty cheap Groupon deal. We did a little exploring. We also got alcohol. What followed was me drinking so much that I broke an entire bottle of beer on the bathroom floor. So much time was spent cleaning that up. What could have been a really fun experience (the hotel had an indoor pool and it was a bit of an oasis), turned into what normally happened when we went away and I drank. Great day before I started heavy drinking in the hotel, then the drunk emotional Jennilyn came out, the next day the drive home was filled with a regretful Jen who said “I’m done drinking.” Which would calm the situation, but I would still be filled with sorrow and regret for how I acted….but I would repeat the process the next time we went away.

As it turns out, this trip to Gettysburg was my last trip where I overindulged and ruined the time. We did take another trip to Harper’s Ferry, less than a week from the start of my sobriety, but I was able to spread out my drinking, and that was a great trip. I guess I’m glad I ended on a high note?

Taking these walks down memory lane with my drinking have not been fun. Really diving deep into who I was, what I did, what I experienced, looking back and seeing how much I messed up is an uncomfortable experience. There have been a few times I’ve wanted to just toss the manuscript, let this book go. Thankfully, past Jen has written some things that have kept me going. Basically, past Jen exists to show how much work God has done in me. She exists to show that God is mighty and gracious. If I have to dig up my past to give God more glory, I’ll do it.

Now I think it’s high time Bret and I went back to Gettysburg so I can experience it sober. 🙂