Tag Archives: sobriety

Day 3001 – Alcoholism – It’s Always More Than You Remember

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Holy crap, tomorrow is my three year sobriety anniversary. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been curious about what I talked about in the week leading up to the final drinks. For the last three years, I thought I only (ha ha, only) had 5 Loose Cannons the last day I drank. My On This Day on Facebook reminded me, nope, I had more. Earlier that day, I went to see Gone With The Wind in the theater. I remember that I had enough of a buzz that I was worried if I seemed like I had a lot to drink. I worried that my breath would give me away.

So not only did I get drunk that night, I also got close to it earlier that day. It’s crazy looking back on my drinking days with sober goggles. It’s crazy seeing how much I forgot. I am thankful that I’ve been an oversharer in the past, so I can fully remember in the present.

What should I do to celebrate tomorrow? I want to do something, but I’m not sure what…let me know in the comments below!

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Day 2993 – I’m Not Hungover Today!

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Last night, I was chatting with Bret about my alcoholism memoir. We were talking about a time when I was so drunk I didn’t notice something I should have. I mentioned how much I love not having the “morning after” conversations with him anymore. Oh there were so many of those mornings. So many times I would tell Bret I quit for good, when it was just something to say to diffuse the situation. As we were talking, I just threw my hands up in the air and I said I’m not hungover today! I love being sober!

I never want to get over the wonder of this fact. I never want to take it for granted that I was completely transformed. I never want to forget how much I’ve grown.

And thanks to YOU, yes YOU dear reader. If it wasn’t for you being interested in my alcoholism stories, I would never have thought to write a memoir about my alcoholism and sobriety. It has been a great process so far.

What is something you take for granted you can be thankful for today?

I was sooooo intoxicated in this photo…..though, I’ll make that face stone sober. 😀

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Day 2970 – What Happened When Bret Brought Home Loose Cannon (The Last Beer I Drank)

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Disclaimer, don’t follow my example as a hard and fast rule for sobriety. I believe everyone has a different journey to take, with different strengths and weaknesses. Just because I can handle something, doesn’t mean you can. Just because you can handle something, doesn’t mean I can. It’s not because I’m stronger and someone else is weaker, we are just different. I know myself, and I know what I can handle.

I’m very quickly approaching my third anniversary of sobriety. I can’t believe it has been almost three years since I drank. In a lot of ways, it feels like I’ve been sober forever. In other ways, especially since I’m working through my memoir, it feels so recent. My very last alcoholic beverage was Loose Cannon. The alcohol content is 7.5% and the last night I drank 5 of them, in like 3 hours. Oy. Last night, Bret had a friend over and he picked up a six pack of Loose Cannon. I sat there, looking at this six pack of beer, remembering it as my last beer, and was just overcome with thankfulness. I could look at this substance that has brought joy to others, others who can control their drinking, others who enjoy responsibly, and not feel resentment or shame or regret. What brings me even more joy is that I have grown so much that Bret can enjoy alcohol. He definitely drinks less than he did before my sobriety, but I don’t want him to have to give something up that he doesn’t struggle with. Another thing I think when I see Loose Cannon, is, “you sir (of course this beer is male), have no power over me.”

Ha ha, and I also thought, “wow, you photograph really well!”

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Day 2948 – When Did I Know I Was An Alcoholic

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I’m working through my second draft of my memoir, and I’m happy to see it taking somewhat of a logical shape.

Yesterday, we had so much fun hanging out with some friends at a beautiful waterfront bar. Chatting with one of my friends, we talked about what was success for my first book, which was that one person’s mindset was changed.

In my current draft of the memoir, I wrote “I don’t want to write this book. Thinking back to these times doesn’t make me happy. Trying to read other memoirs about drinking is hard to do. I want to forget it all happened. I want to leave those memories in the past. Why would I ever want to go back there? Why would I want to share even more about the things I did? I suppose, if just one person is helped. If one person can move past addiction and treat it finally as a sin, it is worth it.”

I think I have my goal for this book.

So, when did I know I was an alcoholic?
Probably in the few days after my last drink. Here’s a snapshot from my journal, which is part thinking out loud, part praying, in the days after that last day.

September 29, 2014 (first day sober)
“I do enjoy it and I have had some great times, yet I’ve quit so many times. Can I really not control myself or am I trying to prove to myself that I can? Am I holding on to sin? Should I cut it loose? Do I need to cut it out completely? Truly? Forever? Is it standing in my way?”

On October 3, 2014
“Thank you also for the clear “it’s time” to quit drinking. Thank you for the strength already against temptation. Let it open doors to honest communications about how Christians aren’t perfect.”

Almost three years later and I think it’s so true – that it can open lines of communications. People are shocked when they hear about my sobriety – “but you’re a Christian!”
Thinking back to the months following this moment, I remember thinking that there is almost more stigma against people who don’t drink than people who do. Look at all the memes about drinking at the end of the day, or that say “how could I ever quit drinking, I’d be boring!” I was more embarrassed and nervous to say “no thank you” to a drink, then when I was downing bottle after bottle.

I’m so thankful for sober Jen, because she can go to places like we went yesterday, and remember every minute. I really hope we can live near the water some day.

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Day 2918 – What’s It Like For A Sober Jennilyn To Go Into A Liquor Store?

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One question I get a lot is if Bret still drinks around me. He does, and I have no problem with that. I even will pick up his beer. I went to a local store that I’d never been in before yesterday. I ended up texting Bret most of the time I was there, trying to nail down which beer he wanted. I looked through one line of cases, which I thought was all of the cold options. When I got to the non-alcoholic drinks (sodas and the like), the guy working there said there were more of the type of beer I had, and craft beers down that way…..a whole BUNCH more. So it went from an ok store, to a pretty epic store pretty quickly.

So what’s it like for me to go into a liquor store now? Just like going into a regular store in most respects. I’m still texting Bret to make sure I get the right thing. I’m still buying something that he needs.

When I go into a liquor store, I find myself seeing different beverages, and thinking about when I got drunk on them. What happened in that moment. Oh, hey, there’s that Rita stuff from Bud…oh yea, I got WAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSTEEEEED on those a LOT. It was a really interesting thought. Here I was, surrounded by the thing that took down so much of my life. Here were the liquids that brought so much, and so much heartache. Here, were things that didn’t have power over me anymore. Like any vice, it can be a good thing in moderation. A little disclaimer, my journey is my own. I don’t recommend a recovered/recovering/etc alcoholic going into a liquor store. I know myself, and I know my limits. DO NOT TAKE MY EXAMPLE AS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!

I say repeatedly that all of my success is because of God’s work in my life. From opening my eyes to taking my sin seriously, to giving me strength to say no again and again. Yet, when was the last time I thought about this, or pointed to His continued work in my life? So I want to take an opportunity to give another shout out to the Big Guy. I have become accustom to this amazing change in me. It is my new normal. It is so much a part of me now. Sobriety. Clearheadedness. All, completely, totally, irrevocably, God’s work. If you want to read my full story, or at least a pretty good summation, check out my testimony.

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