Day 3001 – Alcoholism – It’s Always More Than You Remember

Posted on September 28, 2017 by 365 days of marriage

Holy crap, tomorrow is my three year sobriety anniversary. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been curious about what I talked about in the week leading up to the final drinks. For the last three years, I thought I only (ha ha, only) had 5 Loose Cannons the last day I drank. My On This Day on Facebook reminded me, nope, I had more. Earlier that day, I went to see Gone With The Wind in the theater. I remember that I had enough of a buzz that I was worried if I seemed like I had a lot to drink. I worried that my breath would give me away.

So not only did I get drunk that night, I also got close to it earlier that day. It’s crazy looking back on my drinking days with sober goggles. It’s crazy seeing how much I forgot. I am thankful that I’ve been an oversharer in the past, so I can fully remember in the present.

What should I do to celebrate tomorrow? I want to do something, but I’m not sure what…let me know in the comments below!

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Day 2993 – I’m Not Hungover Today!

Posted on September 20, 2017 by 365 days of marriage

Last night, I was chatting with Bret about my alcoholism memoir. We were talking about a time when I was so drunk I didn’t notice something I should have. I mentioned how much I love not having the “morning after” conversations with him anymore. Oh there were so many of those mornings. So many times I would tell Bret I quit for good, when it was just something to say to diffuse the situation. As we were talking, I just threw my hands up in the air and I said I’m not hungover today! I love being sober!

I never want to get over the wonder of this fact. I never want to take it for granted that I was completely transformed. I never want to forget how much I’ve grown.

And thanks to YOU, yes YOU dear reader. If it wasn’t for you being interested in my alcoholism stories, I would never have thought to write a memoir about my alcoholism and sobriety. It has been a great process so far.

What is something you take for granted you can be thankful for today?

I was sooooo intoxicated in this photo…..though, I’ll make that face stone sober. 😀

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Day 2970 – What Happened When Bret Brought Home Loose Cannon (The Last Beer I Drank)

Posted on August 28, 2017 by 365 days of marriage

Disclaimer, don’t follow my example as a hard and fast rule for sobriety. I believe everyone has a different journey to take, with different strengths and weaknesses. Just because I can handle something, doesn’t mean you can. Just because you can handle something, doesn’t mean I can. It’s not because I’m stronger and someone else is weaker, we are just different. I know myself, and I know what I can handle.

I’m very quickly approaching my third anniversary of sobriety. I can’t believe it has been almost three years since I drank. In a lot of ways, it feels like I’ve been sober forever. In other ways, especially since I’m working through my memoir, it feels so recent. My very last alcoholic beverage was Loose Cannon. The alcohol content is 7.5% and the last night I drank 5 of them, in like 3 hours. Oy. Last night, Bret had a friend over and he picked up a six pack of Loose Cannon. I sat there, looking at this six pack of beer, remembering it as my last beer, and was just overcome with thankfulness. I could look at this substance that has brought joy to others, others who can control their drinking, others who enjoy responsibly, and not feel resentment or shame or regret. What brings me even more joy is that I have grown so much that Bret can enjoy alcohol. He definitely drinks less than he did before my sobriety, but I don’t want him to have to give something up that he doesn’t struggle with. Another thing I think when I see Loose Cannon, is, “you sir (of course this beer is male), have no power over me.”

Ha ha, and I also thought, “wow, you photograph really well!”

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Day 2961 – How We Learned Some Life Lessons From Almost Eating An Entire Tub Of Ice Cream

Posted on August 19, 2017 by 365 days of marriage

A few nights ago, I had a dream about an ice cream sundae. That day, I purposed to buy the supplies for an ice cream sundae….and I did. Man, being an adult is great. I bought a regular sized container of ice cream. We enjoyed it so much, it was gone in like two days. I thought, never fear, I’ll just get some more. Little did I know, I would be purchasing a big threat. A 4.5 quart threat. We had some when I got home from the store. We had some that evening. The next morning. We would eat together and separate. Every time, the other would get a look of shame. Every time, we would make jokes. But here’s one thing I noticed, it felt very, very, very close to home when thinking back to the look of shame I held the morning after a big binge drinking night. I had to put a stop to the jokes, because it brought back such sad memories.

So, we have this huge tub of ice cream, and by the next day, we have eaten way more than two people should have eaten. Seriously, this tub should last two people a month, or at least a week or two. In a stroke of very good and convicting luck, I was chowing down on this ice cream while watching a film theory video about Wall-E. Seeing the gluttony of the humans was really helpful in the next thing that happened.

I asked Bret a few times around this point – “Do we need to dump this down the drain?” It was finally decided, yes, we definitely need to. Before we could change our minds, I turned on the water into the tub of ice cream.

I realized in that moment that I don’t think I was ever the one to dump my alcohol down the drain. It was dumped for me the day after my DUI. It was dumped by Bret after I went crazy on brand new bottles. It was such a surreal thought as I was running the water and garbage disposal. It was a humbling moment, but it was also an encouraging moment. We realized we had a problem and we took care of it somewhat quickly.

Who knew so much could result from a tub of ice cream.

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Day 2948 – When Did I Know I Was An Alcoholic

Posted on August 6, 2017 by 365 days of marriage

I’m working through my second draft of my memoir, and I’m happy to see it taking somewhat of a logical shape.

Yesterday, we had so much fun hanging out with some friends at a beautiful waterfront bar. Chatting with one of my friends, we talked about what was success for my first book, which was that one person’s mindset was changed.

In my current draft of the memoir, I wrote “I don’t want to write this book. Thinking back to these times doesn’t make me happy. Trying to read other memoirs about drinking is hard to do. I want to forget it all happened. I want to leave those memories in the past. Why would I ever want to go back there? Why would I want to share even more about the things I did? I suppose, if just one person is helped. If one person can move past addiction and treat it finally as a sin, it is worth it.”

I think I have my goal for this book.

So, when did I know I was an alcoholic?
Probably in the few days after my last drink. Here’s a snapshot from my journal, which is part thinking out loud, part praying, in the days after that last day.

September 29, 2014 (first day sober)
“I do enjoy it and I have had some great times, yet I’ve quit so many times. Can I really not control myself or am I trying to prove to myself that I can? Am I holding on to sin? Should I cut it loose? Do I need to cut it out completely? Truly? Forever? Is it standing in my way?”

On October 3, 2014
“Thank you also for the clear “it’s time” to quit drinking. Thank you for the strength already against temptation. Let it open doors to honest communications about how Christians aren’t perfect.”

Almost three years later and I think it’s so true – that it can open lines of communications. People are shocked when they hear about my sobriety – “but you’re a Christian!”
Thinking back to the months following this moment, I remember thinking that there is almost more stigma against people who don’t drink than people who do. Look at all the memes about drinking at the end of the day, or that say “how could I ever quit drinking, I’d be boring!” I was more embarrassed and nervous to say “no thank you” to a drink, then when I was downing bottle after bottle.

I’m so thankful for sober Jen, because she can go to places like we went yesterday, and remember every minute. I really hope we can live near the water some day.