Day 2819 – Why You Shouldn’t Ask “When Are You Having Kids?” – or – Things I’ve Learned From Not Having Kids

If you’ve read this blog any amount of time, you know Bret and I are not normal in a lot of ways. From sleeping on the floor, to having no real furniture, we are just weirdos. People don’t understand us sometimes, but that’s fine, we’re happy with our life.

Here’s another “not normal” thing to add to the long list of “Jen and Bret are weird” – We aren’t planning on having kids.

It’s something we didn’t expect. Both of us came from big families and figured we’d have a big family too. As we grew in our marriage, God made it clear kids probably weren’t in our future. When we meditate on our life, kids just aren’t in the picture. It is something we have prayed about, thought a lot about, and talked a lot about. Most of the time, when people ask or comment about us having kids, we laugh it off. “Ha ha, oh we’ll see!” It’s a minor thing to us when people bring it up. Something we shrug off like reactions to us sleeping on the floor. Even if we tell them we aren’t planning on having kids, and they follow up with, “Oh you’ll change your mind.” It isn’t a big deal to us.

But then we thought about things in a different light – what if we DID want kids and we couldn’t or were having a hard time getting pregnant? What if we had lost children?

This is when the desire to share this became about others.

We have a lot of people in our world that have struggled to have kids and desperately want kids.

I am writing this for them.

Please take a few minutes to look at someone’s situation from another angle before you ask “When are you having kids?!” Pause and ask yourself if it’s an appropriate question and time to ask. It may have been easy for you and your spouse to get pregnant. You may have several kids. You may not know that the person you’re asking has been trying, desperately, for years to get pregnant. You may not know of the tears, the heartache, the miscarriages.

Think about asking instead “Do you want kids?” or maybe, just maybe, don’t ask about their plans on having kids or not. If you don’t know if they can have kids or not, it’s for a reason. I understand, it’s a natural question. But it’s a really personal one. Trust me, I understand where the questions come from. In our society, there’s a “natural” timeline of steps.

Out of my deep love for those in my life that struggle with this – please stop asking them when they’re going to have kids. Please stop joking that you’re pregnant on April 1st. Please take a minute to think before you speak. And if you still want to ask someone questions like this, go ahead and just ask me.

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About 365 days of marriage

I started this blog in April of 2011. At the time, Bret and I were wedding photographers and it was a way to share how marriage is more about the day to day and so much more than the wedding day itself. For about 5 years, I blogged about the joys and sorrows of the Christian walk, marriage, work, family and friends. I’ve blogged every day since a few weeks after I started. In May of 2015, we photographed our last wedding. Now, I have become passionate about simplicity, particularly in marriage, Christianity, business, travel and life. For a number of reasons, we have become minimalists. I’ve found that having simplicity makes life so much deeper, refreshing and joyful. I hope that this blog will help others see the benefits of living simply.

7 thoughts on “Day 2819 – Why You Shouldn’t Ask “When Are You Having Kids?” – or – Things I’ve Learned From Not Having Kids

  1. YES! It took me a while to get pregnant & when people (especially at church, actually) would ask me when when it was going to be my turn to have a baby it really hurt! They had no idea how many negative pregnancy tests I went through. When I talk to friends, if the conversation is headed in that direction I will ask if they want kids. That’s it! And only if it’s coming up in conversation.

  2. My husband and I tried for the first few years to get pregnant and didn’t have the money or insurance to see doctors to try and figure out why it just wasn’t happening for us. I cried, I prayed, I ranted and whenever I saw someone with a baby bump or someone else was telling me they had succeeded where we hadn’t… It was the hardest thing in the world to bear and when my estranged half sister told me over the phone that she was pregnant, it came at the worst time and I just couldn’t say anything to her and hung up, which, unfortunately, pushed us even further apart.

    That was probably five years ago now. I stopped questioning God and I finally started wishing expectant mother’s well. He and I had finally reached the ah-ha moment that we didn’t even WANT to have kids for several reasons. We’re happy that it’s just he and I and we selfishly enjoy the fact that it’ll just be us for the rest of our lives. We’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum now and I’m glad we did since it allows me to understand and be empathetic towards those who desperately want and do not want. Good post and glad I found your blog. ♥ xoxo

    • Thank you so much for your comment! I definitely felt some fear putting our thoughts out there, since it’s such a minority response. Ha ha, but then again, we’re in the minority with a lot of things, so we’re used to people not “getting us.”

      I am so sorry you went through such a struggle to get pregnant. But so happy for how things turned out. I don’t think it’s selfish to enjoy the life that God gave you. I shared an article on my personal Facebook page a few years ago, and one person said “I’ll never miss the kids God never intended for me to have.” Through a number of things, it’s pretty clear to Bret and I that kids are not the calling God has given us. I think the key to a good life is enjoying the life you have.

      You have such a unique viewpoint on this, it will be neat to see how God uses your experience in the lives of others.

      I’m so glad you found my blog too! I’m glad I found yours! 😀

      • A lot of people don’t get Matt and I, either, lol. But that’s ok, we just crack each other up and that’s good for us. We agree with you in that enjoying what we have with each other is good enough. Thank you so much for following back! I look forward to reading more. ♥♥♥

  3. Pingback: CHILDLESS BY/NOT BY CHOICE – LEGIT ♡ TRASH

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