This excerpt is from the chapter currently titled “Change.” It’s funny, I wrote the following months ago, but I find myself here again today. I did very little writing today. I’m at the point where I HAVE to write about my experiences. I have to dig deep into the things I only briefly shared in my testimony. I shared about being hung over at my friend’s wedding, in two sentences. But in the book, I shared a full paragraph. As I’m opening the door to the memories, they are flooding back. I’m remembering when I threw up in my mouth and had to swallow it. I’m remembering getting drunk, multiple times, in Vegas. I’m remembering get togethers where it really wasn’t appropriate to drink as much much as I did. I think at one such event, I drank at least 1 bottle of champagne myself, maybe even 2. My reason? There was a lot extra and it would be thrown out if not.
So it seems appropriate to share the following. Still no idea when it will be ready, but I might have a better idea after I finish the work on the experiences. Oy.
“I am very happy being sober. I’m glad I don’t drink anymore. But there’s something that happens to me. I can get down after I read about my sobriety, or read about another’s story of sobriety, or I engage in conversations about it. I sit here after a great conversation last night with another sober blogger. I find myself this morning very pensive and thoughtful. I feel sad. It strikes me that though I think I’m ok talking about my alcoholism, going deep into those memories and writing about them isn’t easy. I am the type of person that leaves the past in the past. If I think there’s an acceptable time to move on, I do. I try to live in the present. So why does it make me so sad? Maybe I’ve changed so much from that person I used to be that I don’t want to deal with her anymore? Through my learning about business, and life in general, I know the importance of the people you spend time with. If you want to grow, you have to be around folks who are a step or two (or ten) ahead of you. The Jennilyn of the past used any excuse to drink. She kissed a guy who had a girlfriend (before she met Bret). She drove after drinking. She broke the law. She could have killed someone while driving drunk. She needled her way into talking Bret into driving so she could drink many times. I want to leave her in the past. I don’t want to share her with the world. She isn’t worth my time. And yet, she is still a part of who I am. She is a Jennilyn I can measure my current self against. She lets me see how much I have truly grown. She shows me a person I never want to be again. And she can be a person to show others how much change is possible. She may not be my favorite person, but I wouldn’t be who I am today without her.”
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